


Beware of Geeks Bearing Gifts

by SometimesWaverlyDressesLikeAHooker



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Humor, Implied/Referenced Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 19:24:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19874803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SometimesWaverlyDressesLikeAHooker/pseuds/SometimesWaverlyDressesLikeAHooker
Summary: One night I was contemplating the adorable geekiness of Willow and Tara and it hit me...how hilarious would it be if they were stoned?This is the resultAnother rewrite from the old Buffy days





	Beware of Geeks Bearing Gifts

Dropping her bag by the door, Tara released an exhausted sigh, "Aaaaah...home at last," kicking off her shoes as she crossed the room then falling backward into the sofa's welcoming embrace.  
Just as she was getting comfortable, she heard a frightful noise coming from the kitchen.  
"Sweet dreams are made of thi-iiiisss...who am I to disagrmmmmpphhh..." this last obviously filtered through a mouthful of something.  
Despite the bend-over-here-it-comes-again sort of day she'd had, the honey blonde couldn't help grinning at her wife's rather less than successful attempt at song.  
“She honestly doesn't have the slightest clue that she couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle on it...God, she is so adorable.”  
With the stealth of a jungle cat, Tara snuck into the kitchen and slid her arms around her prey, nibbling at the side of the oblivious redhead's pale neck.  
"Mmmmm...hi baby," Willow moaned, snuggling back against her lover, "How was class?"  
"Oh, class? That was great...which is more than I can say for the rest of my day...but I really just want to forget about all that."   
She peeked over Willow's shoulder at the tray she'd been setting out for their afternoon tea or coffee in the redhead's case, "You want a hand with that, love?"  
"Sure, just bring this stuff out to the porch and I'll be right behind ya, OK?"  
"Behind me is good," Tara flirted.  
Just as she'd settled herself on the porch swing, where the couple could be found most days around this time, Willow appeared beside her with a plate full of chocolatey goodness.   
"Ooooh, brownies!" the sapphire-eyed beauty exclaimed with child-like glee, grabbing one of the bite-sized morsels and popping it into her mouth, before her lover could even set them on the table.  
The redhead chuckled warmly, shaking her head as she settled in beside her beloved. It was one of the things she loved best about Tara, the joy she found in life's simple pleasures.  
"So, at the risk of repeating myself, how was class? All with the yoga-y goodness and such?"  
"Yes, much goodness was had by all...nothing like a full-on stretch in a super-heated room to get all those nasty little kinks out."  
"Aaawwww," Willow mock-pouted, "But I like your little kinks."  
Tara pulled her closer, nibbling at that secret ticklish spot on the back of her lover's neck, that only she knew about, "Hey! Who are you calling kinky?! Surely not innocent, wholesome, little me! Uh-uh...no way...never!" she teased.  
"What about that time with the sparkly pink underpants?"  
"Willow Danielle Rosenberg! You take that back! There is nothing kinky about wearing a thong and you know it!"  
"There is when you wear it on your head, tie a teddy around your neck like a cape and insist that I call you Queen Erotica all night.."  
"You forgot about the boots," Tara chuckled lustily, popping another brownie into her mouth, "Mmmmmm...these are divine...where'd you buy 'em?"  
"How do you know I didn't bake them myself?"  
Tara's full, musical laugh burst out like champagne from a shaken bottle.  
"Oh, come on...it's not that inconceivable is it?"  
The blonde was holding her sides now, tears threatening to spill from her azure eyes.  
"Alright...alright...I give...but only because if you do the laugh and pee thing I'm gonna get wet too," Willow chided, fully enjoying the sight of her lover's heaving bosom as she gasped for breath, "Dawnie sent them...by way of thanks for helping with her Women's Studies paper."  
"Uh-huh..." Tara teased, affecting an I-knew-it-all-along tone, kissing the tip of a freckled nose, "So, how's our girl doing in the big bad world of academia, anyway?"  
"Fantastic! She got an A on the paper and a B on her final...and of course, she aced all her pre-med stuff too," Willow puffed up a bit with geeker joy, having sent another science nerd out into the world.  
"So...From Sappho to Shane: Lesbians in the Public Consciousness was a big hit then?" Tara grinned, bagging a brownie and chasing it with a sip of tea, before grabbing another.  
"Yup...the professor even pulled her aside after class to tell her how impressed she was..." she raised an eyebrow, "That Dawn was ‘so well versed on the subject...for a straight girl’..."  
"You're kidding me...that is so wrong! On so many levels...that's just, well...fishing of downright Xanderian proportion."  
"Yeah, well you remember how it was when we were in college...horny TAs...our Dawnie all young, hot, tall and brainy...I guess she just couldn't help herself...tsk tsk...but our girl earned that A...no question."  
"I never doubted it for a minute, sweetie...then again not all girls are as lucky and privileged as our Dawn...only a precious few get to spend the bulk of their formative years co-habitating with a couple of hot, wimmin-lovin' babes such as ourselves..."  
"True...true...sad, but true," the petite geeklet sighed dramatically, then snaked out her tongue to catch a crumb of chocolatey scrumptiousness that still clung to her lover's equally luscious lower lip.  
"Mmmmmm...yummy!"  
Willow sucked at the lip just a little longer for good measure, drawing a small moan from its owner.  
"Anyway, I still say she should have gone with her original working title...Lesbo-Palooza."  
"Sure, Will...you also thought she should include your crackpot theory about The L Word."  
"Mock me all you want Maclay, I still say that Jenny's poor decision making skills being in direct correlation to the tininess of her head is a perfectly valid scientific premise."  
The blonde chuckled adoringly, giving her wife that sexy half-smile that meant ‘I love you so much, there are no words’ then suddenly frowned.  
"What is it, baby?"  
"Only one brownie left," she pouted, batting her eyelashes at her soulmate, "That's OK...you can have it, lover."  
"Oh, go ahead silly...I ate three while I was unpacking 'em, anyway...that makes six each."  
Tara snatched up the little brown block with chocoholic glee, gobbling it down quickly, just in case her sweetie changed her mind.  
"That Dawnie really is turning out to be one helluva cook...these brownies are unbelievable...I feel almost euphoric...although that could be the company," she flirted.   
"It's the funny-shaped pancakes…as any classically trained chef will tell you, they're the cornerstone of a truly great culinary repertoire."  
"Oh yeah...I'm sure that's it..." the blonde giggled, nipping at an earlobe.  
"You do realize you're driving me crazy, right?"  
"Uh-huh," Tara replied seductively, while continuing to do just that.  
"Just checking..." she gasped a bit, then moaning distractedly, "Anyway, as I was saying...mmmmmmmmm…of course they're better than every day run of the mill brownies...they're lesbian brownies."  
"Excuse me?"  
"Lesbian brownies."  
"And exactly how does that work?"  
"Well, Dawnie's note said that since we gave her so much help with the Lesbo-Palooza paper, she made them special just for us...using Alice B. Toklas' special recipe."  
"Alice B. Toklas?" the blonde repeated, dumbstruck.  
"That's what she said..."  
"Will..."  
"Yeah, baby?" she giggled for no reason at all.  
"I really wish you'd mentioned that before I ate half a dozen.."  
"Oh, don't worry about that, baby...they're just little things...there can't be that many calories...just little teensy things, no room for big bad calories...such cute, teeny, tiny, adorable, wee brownies...we love you, little ones...oops! All gone," she giggled some more, "Anyway, Tare...I like my women curvy...I mean woman...one woman...just one...my one and only..." She ran her fingertips from Tara's thigh to the swell of her full breast, "Oh yeah...dangerous curves ahead...let me at 'em!"  
"Willow...darling...I need you to be very quiet and listen closely to me for a minute here, OK?"  
The redhead pantomimed locking her lips and tossing the key over her shoulder.  
"It's not getting fat that I'm worried about...my God…How could you not know this? You went to college didn't you? You took Women's Studies, so you must have read about Gertrude and Alice at some point...you're married to a big ole extra-crunchy lesbian hippie chick for fucks sake! Were you raised in a cave by Mormon nuns or something?!"  
"Tara...baby...you know I love you...but what the frilly heck are you talking about?"  
"Willow...my love...my unfathomably innocent love...WE JUST ATE A DOZEN HASH BROWNIES!"  
"They didn't taste like corned beef to me...that Dawnie really is quite the cook...beefy brownies..." she giggled, "That's so bizarre...by the way, I don't think the Mormons have nuns..."  
"Not that kind of hash, Will...HASHISH!"  
"Oh...hashish..." the light bulb clicked on over the formerly clueless girl’s head, falling to the floor, bouncing twice and landing atop the panic button with a gentle thud, "Hashish?"   
BEAT  
"OH MY GOD! HASHISH! WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT DO WE DO? QUICK, CALL 911..."  
"Calm down, sweetie," the blonde took her dweeb of a lover in her arms, rubbing her back in soothing circles, "There's nothing we can do...there's nothing anyone can do at this point...it's been in our systems too long...there's nothing for it but to ride it out."  
"Ride it out?!" Willow was in full on hysteria mode, "Ride it out, she says! What do you mean ride it out? Am I going to trip balls? Seriously, will there be tripping? I can't trip, Tara! I just can't...I'm way too big of a spaz for hallucinations...and hello! Illegal drugs? What if the cops come? Oh no...what if this goes on my permanent record? I'll be ruined...I didn't have perfect attendance my entire scholastic career only to have it ruined by...I think I might be freaking out here...am I having a freak out? Any minute now there'll be frogs...I just know it! Thousands and thousands of hoppy, slimy, little frogs...bouncing all over my vulnerable flesh...licking me with their nasty, sticky tongues...eeeeeeeewwww...oh God, Tara...SAVE ME FROM THE FROGS!"  
The gentle witch pulled her panicked lover into her arms, trying very hard not to laugh out loud. "Calm down, sweetie...just breathe...breathe, baby...it's OK...you're safe here with me...no frogs, I promise...not so much as one hoppy, slimy, little amphibian will set a single warty toe on your fabulous body...no hallucinations and definitely no tripping, OK?"  
"Do you promise?" Willow asked in a timid childlike voice.  
"Cross my heart, love...I'm not going anywhere...I'll be right here beside you...and if I see any frogs I'll turn 'em to dust before you set your pretty green eyes on so much as one icky little webbed foot...we're gonna be fine...right, baby? We'll get through this together, just like everything else."  
"Whew...OK, I believe you...just promise you won't leave me alone."  
"Witch's honor," she winked and twitched her nose.  
"Very cute, Samantha...now what exactly is gonna happen?"  
"Well, lover...do you remember when we got that copy of The Lesbian Kama Sutra?"  
"Oh yeah..." Willow purred, dreamy-eyed.  
"Hey...pay attention, pervy girl," Tara teased, "Do you also remember how being the adorable little over-achiever you are, you insisted on trying page 114 and threw your back out?"  
"It was soooooooo worth it," she grinned.  
"You'll get no argument from me...do you remember how Keith at the yoga center hooked us up with that little herbal refreshment that we shared?"  
"Oh yeah...you and me baby...rockin' the ganj," she snorted a little, "It'll be like that? I can handle that...no problem..."  
"Well, it'll be kinda like that..."  
"Kinda?" Willow squeaked.  
"Kinda...only more so and sort of, well...different..."  
"Like that one time only different and more so...that's a big help...are you sure this isn't a frog thing and you just don't want to tell me?"  
"Will...baby...to tell you the truth...I really can't tell you what it's gonna be like...if that makes any sense...we had an awful lot all at once...and being an organic substance there's the varying potency thing...it could take quite a while before all of it is out of our systems, ya know? I know it's just a little buzzed, euphoric feeling now and in your case, obviously a little paranoia...once it all hits, this might get pretty hairy...but as long as we stay relaxed, nothing bad is going to happen...I promise...I'm here for you and you're here for me...and really, even though it isn't an activity I would have chosen for us to share, it could actually be quite a pleasurable experience...hash has a tendency to kind of...well, I guess heighten sensation...sight, sound, taste...not to mention other things..." she waggled her eyebrows, "But no matter what...I promise...there will be absolutely no frogs...OK?"  
"I guess it's a good thing one of us had a misspent youth," Willow teased.  
"Hey! I went a little wild after Mama died...I did some dumb, reckless things...but I'd hardly call it a misspent youth...it's not like I ever blew up a mall...or a school...shall I continue?"  
"OK...I give...but you're the one who was the little stoner...what do we do now?"  
"We need to be in a relaxed, safe, comfortable space...bedroom?" she kissed her softly, tucking a stray strand of red behind an awfully kissable looking ear.  
"So...um...Tara..." she giggled, "That's a funny name...Tara," the redhead affected a bad southern drawl, "What'll I do now? I know, I'll go home to Tara...Tara..." then started humming a truly horrendous off-key version of the theme from Gone With The Wind.  
"Willow!"  
"Huh?"  
"Focus!"  
"Ooops...sorry...I must be stoned...hehe…Willow Rosenberg, model student, stoned...whoulda thunk it? What was I saying? Oh...I remember! Yeah me! How long is this gonna last?"  
"Hard to say...let's just hope nothing pressing comes up in the next few hours."  
"Hours? You're just messing with me, right? Hours? No way! Hours? Really? As in it took hours?"  
"Willow...baby...you're panicking again."  
"Tara! I am fully aware that I am panicking, thank you...I am a grown adult...I know when I am panicking...oh God, I'm panicking!"  
"Come on, Will...deep breaths...inhale pink, exhale blue...relax...relate...release...I'm sure it'll be worn off before you have to go to work...mostly," she laughed goofily, with a small side of evil.  
The freaked-out redhead slapped her lover on the ass as they climbed the stairs, "You'd better be teasing me, Maclay."  
"You'd better be teasing me, Maclay," Tara parroted, giggling some more.  
"Quit it!" Willow joined in the giggling in spite of herself.  
"Quit it!" the blonde echoed, running the rest of the way up the stairs and into their bedroom, laughing hysterically all the way.  
No sooner had she passed through the doorway, than Willow flying tackled her to the bed.  
"First down and...whatever...I don't know football..." the blonde squirmed beneath her, "Don't make me tickle you, sexy lady...I'm not used to drugs like you are...so you better be nice to me...I have no qualms about issuing punishment...then again if history has taught us anything, you really have no qualms about enjoying it."  
"Oh...you want me to be nice do you?" she purred, reaching for the buttons on her wife's blouse.  
"Tara! A little too freaked out to be in the mood here..."  
"OK...OK...now really Will...you need to relax...if you freak out things could get...unpleasant...so please baby, just lay back...close your eyes...get comfy...I'll be back in just a sec, OK?"  
"OK," came the reply in a small voice.  
Tara made her way around the room, pulling shades, lighting candles and incense and last but not least, putting some soft music on the stereo.  
Willow opened her eyes as she felt her lover's weight return to the bed, "Hey! You're naked!"  
"You're kidding," the hippie chick deadpanned, running her hands over her womanly curves, "Oh my God...I am!" then fell on top of her wife, dissolving into yet another fit of giggles.  
"Stop giggling so much...you'll wrinkle my blouse," the redhead admonished, like it made perfect sense.  
"We can't have that, now can we? I hate ironing...I mean simply hate it...only one thing for it then..."  
"Dry cleaning?"  
"Uh-uh..."  
"You could get off and go on your own side of the bed?"  
"Oh no...besides, I think I have a much better chance of getting off if I stay right here..." she began nibbling at her beloved's earlobe, as she skillfully divested her of the offending garment.  
"Mrs. Robinson...are you trying to seduce me?"  
"I could put on the leopard print half-slip if you want..."  
"Putting on more clothing...hmmmm, not the usual strategy I would follow in the given situation...but then again it's your ass that's gonna be spotted, not mine..."  
"Sonofabitch!" the blonde suddenly shouted.  
"What? What?"  
"This music is all wrong..." Tara hopped off the bed and raced for the stereo, "If Dawnie was gonna send us hash brownies, the least she could have done was enclose a copy of Dark Side of the Moon..."  
"Is it really that important?" she watched intently, as Tara rifled through their CD collection, "Seems to me you have some unfinished business to attend to over here, Missy."  
The winsome wiccan paid her no mind and continued on with her quest.  
Willow was getting impatient. "Come on, Tare...you've been at that for at least half an hour...dinner's gettin' cold, if you know what I mean...just shut the damned stereo off if you can't find anything you like."  
"Actually darlin', it's only been about five minutes...I forgot to warn you...there's this time distortion thing that happens...not in a hellmouthy kind of way...it's just a perceptual thing...it's kind of like time slows down...very cool if you're doing something fun...otherwise really boring...then best just to sleep..."  
"Well, as much as I love staring at your breathtaking body, I am getting a little lonely over here...come back to bed, please baby."  
"I can't, love...not yet...music is key...I'm telling you...music is key..."  
"Music is key? What the fuck does that even mean?"  
Tara turned away from the CDs for a moment, "Willow Rosenberg! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"  
"As a matter of fact I don't...but I have been known to kiss other things with it...I've got a pretty naughty tongue as well..."  
"Do tell..." Tara replied saucily, then started humming something that Willow couldn't identify.  
"Tell? Screw that!...but I'd be more than happy to show you...if you'd forget about the damned CDs and get your breathtaking ass back over here!"  
"But, Will..."  
"Let me guess...music is key."  
"Uh-huh...trust me..."  
"I'd really like to do more than just trust you...come on, baby," the hacker whined.  
"Patience is a virtue, sweetie,” the blonde sing-songed.  
"That I don't possess..." the redhead answered.  
"I know...it's one of the things I love about you...your child-like enthusiasm."  
"You mean if I throw a tantrum, you'll come back to bed?"  
"A rather radical interpretation of the text...anyway, I'm done," Tara placed the final CD in the carousel and pressed PLAY.  
"Finally!" Willow huffed.  
"Now, I just have to get one more thing downstairs..."  
"Tara!"  
"Willow...my love..."  
"Yes?"  
"Chill!"  
The green-eyed geek crossed her arms over her chest and harumphed.  
"And as long as you've got your arms across your luscious breasts, why don't you have a look at that watch..."  
"Oh wow...7 minutes? You weren't kidding about that time distortion thing, were you...I'm sorry, lover."  
Tara crossed to the bed and gave her lover a quick peck on the nose, pulling away before she had a chance to grab her.

"I'll be right back, I promise...and while I'm gone why don't you try meditating on this," she tossed her a violet orb, then fairly skipped out of the room.  
"Hey Tare," she yelled, "Bring me something to drink? My mouth is really dry!"  
"Not to worry, lover...I definitely have something wet for your mouth."   
"Man...what a tease," Willow said to the crystal ball in her hands, "Can you believe what a tease she is?"  
An hour later, actually more like ten minutes, the sexy wiccan returned with a tray full of goodies. Chocolate syrup, whipped cream, cookies, Doritos, ice cream, fruit, water and a large glass of ice. Then, setting her burden down on the bedside table, she ducked into the closet and grabbed a package that had come in the mail just the day before. Not that Willow noticed any of it until she leapt athletically onto the bed beside her.  
"Oh, hi..." the redhead mumbled, staring at the orb.  
"Oh, hi?" her lover replied, in an excuse me sort of tone.  
"You know what, baby?"  
"What is it, doll?"  
"This crystal is really purple...I mean I never noticed how...purple it was before...it's just so purple-y all the way through and, well..."  
"I'm gonna go out on a limb here...purple?"  
"Exactly! Isn't it cool?"  
Tara took the orb from her hand and stashed it out of reach, "I'm so excited that you've learned your colors, Will...tomorrow we'll get a jump on that pesky alphabet," she teased, then leaping on top of her lover, started tickling her unmercifully.  
"Stop! Stop!" her victim gasped, all the while trying to gain the upper hand, "I'm gonna pee!"  
The blonde stilled her wicked fingers instantly, "OK, that's a little too kinky, even for me."  
"Eeeeewww..." both giggled a little then sighed at the same time, which caused yet even more giggles. "Actually, I really do have to pee...be right back."  
A few seconds after she'd disappeared through it, a pair of panties came flying out of the bathroom door, narrowly missing a certain sexy witch's head.  
"You throw like a girl, Rosenberg!" she taunted in her best gym teacher voice.  
"That's why you're the butch one in this relationship," Willow teased, stopping at the nightstand for a long slug of water.  
"Oh yeah...that's me...so very large with the butch...I'm so sure..."  
"Yup...and apparently a valley girl as well..." Willow teased, "But I'm a big fan of butch Tara...especially when she wears those sexy chaps."  
"Oh really," the blonde purred mischievously, arching an eyebrow, then tackling her redhead to the bed so that she was flat on her back with her legs in the air, "Butch enough for ya?"  
"Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...ride 'em, cowgirl! Yeeeee-haaaw!"


End file.
